TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE... That is the Question!

Have you ever taken a good look at what happens with children of divorce?  I can honestly say, that until I found myself in the position of raising two kids alone... I really hadn't given it much thought.  There are many facets of divorce that affect kids but I don't think any are more potentially harmful than introducing someone new into the dynamic too soon.  I learned the hard way that even the seemingly nicest of people can be mean to your children.  Most decent people who fall in love with a single parent are all gung-ho in the beginning, but allow a little time to go by and suddenly your kids can be conveying a very different story.

In my case, my adorable very young children were hard for anyone to resist.  When your whole world revolves around your little ones, it only makes sense that men see them as an opportunity to impress you with how good they are with children.  Playing with kids for a couple of hours is one thing, but being their father figure is an entirely different matter.  I'm no longer impressed with a man's ability to make kids like them. That's pretty easy when the kids see you as a playmate.  The man who uses his ability to lead AND teach AND play makes a whole lot more sense.  But let's face it.  How many men are really looking to be a ready-made father?  Even though your ex-husband or ex-wife is actively involved with your children, introducing the right potential step-parent into their lives is extremely important.

One way to avoid any misunderstandings and protect your children is to simply keep your dating life separate from your home life.  The last thing your children need is to meet a string of strangers coming in and out of your life.  Kids need to feel secure in their home and the boundaries being clearly defined help promote that security.  Allowing different people to interact with them is confusing, so simply do not allow strangers to know where you live.  If a relationship develops and something long term is on the horizon, then it's time to introduce the kids.  Arrange meetings that will only occur in public for short periods of time so that you can observe your child's reaction and your potential mate's interaction with them.  If things go well you can slowly begin to lengthen the time and allow that person to come to your home.

**A VERY STRONG WORD OF CAUTION!!  NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE WITH THIS NEW PERSON!**

The world is full of surprises.  A pedophile or abusive person is not going to enter into a relationship with you and state up front, "Hey... by the way... I'm a pedophile/abuser."  The world is full of them and while it may seem paranoid to take such a stance with new people, once a child has been violated the damage is done and cannot be undone.  Better to err on the side of caution than to risk your precious angel's physical well-being and life-long mental health.  Some people find it difficult to bond with children in general and for many it is impossible to bond with someone else's child.  Those people can become abusive toward your child quite easily, even if they have no history of child abuse.  So use common-sense, be very cautious and observant.  If you child tells you something is wrong... LISTEN to them.

In my case, I attempted to date men whom my kids knew well already and were VERY fond of.  But when the potential relationship came to light... things turned ugly really fast.  I ended up dating secretly in groups (secret from my kids that is) and was able to have plenty of social interaction to keep me from being too lonely but at the same time I was able to maintain consistency in my home.  Not that there weren't other issues.  Raising teenagers without their dad in the home is extremely difficult.

Once my youngest child left the nest, I started to get out more often and date a little.  Two years later I had my first semi-serious relationship.  My adult children met him a few times and it turned out that we weren't right for each other.  A year later I was in a serious relationship with a wonderful man and things couldn't be better.  There was still a bit of a transitional hiccup with the kids, but I was prepared for and expected that to occur.

Just my two-cents...

HAVE YOU GREASED THE GOSSIP WHEEL LATELY?

Gossip... Probably the single most damaging thing we can do to each other.  Listening to it is just as damaging as spreading it.

"Jenny heard something bad that Misty said about Shelley.  You aren't going to believe what's going on!" Blabberista said to Blubberina.

"O-M-G... tell me, tell me!" Exclaimed Blubberina.  "And don't leave any details out!"

"Well" said Blabberista, "Jenny asked me not to tell so promise me you won't repeat ANY of this!"

"I won't, I won't... I PROMISE!" said Blubberina.  "Wait, wait... let me get a soda and make some popcorn... this is gunna be good!!"

"Okay... I'm ready... spill the beans, stir the pot, and grease the wheel... I love this stuff!" gushed Blubberina.

"Apparently it happened 2 years ago. Shelley had a disagreement with Misty", Blabberista explained.  "It sounded to me like Shelley was trying to help Misty but Misty insists that Shelley is just a bad person in general. Shelley was pretty upset over Misty's behavior but gave her a ride home any way.  Even though Misty railed on and on at Shelley, called her every name in the book AND threw an entire glass of ice water on her as she was driving, Shelley took her home anyway."

"Yeah, yeah... that sounds just like Shelley... she's such a Do-Gooder!  Who does she think she is?!" said Blubberina.

"Anyway" continued Blabberista, "It seems Shelley sent a message to Misty explaining that what she had done was unacceptable behavior and that Shelley wouldn't tolerate it.  She told Misty to get some help.  However, Misty is mad because Shelley blocked Misty on Facebook and now Misty feels that Shelley didn't allow her to apologize the next day.  Misty thinks Shelley's a coward.  That doesn't make any sense to me but that's what Jenny said.  And if Jenny said it... it must be true!  Besides, Misty is our friend... we have to take her side, even if she's sorta wrong."

"I don't like that Shelly girl anyway. I mean, I barely know her... well, I don't know her at all.  But still, I just don't like her." said Blubberina.  "You can't trust anyone who won't join in on greasing the gossip wheel.  She's always smiling and saying nice things about everyone.  But one night, I heard her put Tommy in his place.  He was way over-stepping his bounds but she didn't put up with it.  She tactfully told him she wouldn't tolerate his unwanted advances and filthy talk at the table.  Tommy acted like a jerk and just continued anyway, but she didn't back down.  I heard Shelley didn't even cuss or anything.  She and her date finally left because they didn't seem to be enjoying themselves.  She's dating Dexter.  Looks pretty serious."

"The nerve of that Shelley girl. I know we should be better hosts and welcome her into the group since we like Dexter so much.  He's a nice guy and he seems to really like her.  But Misty is our friend and even if Misty was wrong, we have to side with Misty no matter what." said Blabberista.

"But what if we run Dexter off?" said Blubberina.

"Yeah... he's our friend too!" said Blabberista.  "We really like him.  Is it worth it to side with Misty, even though she's wrong, and run Dexter off just because we don't like Shelley, even though she's never done anything to us? And we barely know her... I mean we don't know her at all."

"So basically we are running Dexter off because we all decided we don't like Shelley." said Blubberina.

"Yes... that's basically it." said Blabberista.

"Wow... has anyone even talked to Shelley or Dexter?" asked Blubberina. "Has anyone asked them their side of the story?"

"Well, not that I know of." said Blabberista

"Ya know Jenny and Misty are best friends."  said Blubberina.  "You don't suppose there's more to this story and Jenny and Misty are covering for each other?!  I mean they've done that before."

"Well, I could swear I heard Misty tell me that she apologized to Shelley about 6 months ago and they became friends and all was well until recently." said Blabberista

"I heard that too." said Blubberina.  "I wonder what changed?"

"I heard that Mary is mad at Shelley now and so Misty decided to be mad at Shelley all over again." said Blabberista.

"What kind of hair-brained thinking is that?" said Blubberina. "Why would you just suddenly decide to be mad all over again, when you had no reason to be mad the first time?  Didn't you say that Misty apologized to Shelley 6 months ago?"

"Yes I did." said Blabberista. "So that would indicate that Misty admitted that she was wrong 2 years ago and that's why she apologized."

"Okay but why is Mary mad at Shelley?" said Blubberina.

"Well, Mary's mad because she confronted Shelley about her falling out with Kathy." explained Blabberista.

"Who the heck is Kathy?" asked Blubberina.

"I have no idea... I mean I've seen her with Mary but I've never met her and I don't know anything about her." said Blabberista.

"So Mary barely knows Shelley?" asked Blubberina.

"Mary told me she only knows Shelley from Facebook and that she seemed okay until the "confrontation" several months ago." said Blabberista.

"Okay so Mary's mad because she stuck her nose into Shelley's business and Shelley didn't like it and told her so?" asked Blubberina

"As far as I know... that's right." said Blabberista.  "I know... it' doesn't make any sense.  Everyone has the right to defend themselves.  Especially if Mary only had Kathy's side of the story.  Mary did say that Cindy didn't like it either and she's known Shelley for a number of years."

"Oh, I see."  said Blubberina.  "So that makes it okay for Mary to intervene, ask no questions whatsoever, make accusations and then be mad about the response she received from Shelley.  I still don't understand why Mary is telling everyone that Shelley is a bad person."

"Well, it doesn't matter because Mary and Misty are our friends and we have to make sure everyone knows about this Do-Gooder, Shelley!" exclaimed Blabberista.  "Even if it runs Dexter off, even if we don't know that Kathy girl and even if it's a hateful thing to do... we have to spread the lie, I mean word!  After all, we like Mary."

"Okay, so let me get this straight... we don't like Shelley because she's a nice girl, not too pushy, but not a push-over.  We don't like her because she's dating Dexter and we especially don't like her because Mary says not to." said Blubberina.

"Yeah, and don't forget... she is an outsider.  That's the most important part of all.  We don't accept outsiders! Dexter was fair game and Shelley came along and took him!  We especially don't like that!" said Blabberista

"Oh.. I almost forgot about something else I heard.  Samantha said that Shelley is insecure about her relationship with Dexter.  She said that Shelley attacked her because she was messaging Dexter privately." said Blubberina.

"Yes but before Samantha said that Shelley attacked her, she told me that Shelley politely asked her to respect their relationship and the fact that Shelley and Dexter are in a serious, live-in relationship.  Samantha told me that she was embarrassed and actually apologized to Shelley." said Blabberista

"Oh, I see." said Blubberina.  "Samantha changed her story when she found out that Mary was mad too.  That doesn't seem fair.  I guess she just wanted to get some attention too."

"Yep, you're probably right." said Blabberista.  "Doesn't matter what the truth really is, we don't want any of those people mad at us and doing to us what they're doing to Shelley so we have to stick to the lie... I mean the story!"

"Agreed!" said Blubberina.

Moral Of The Story:  
It is far better to perpetuate a complete lie, than it is to tell the truth and risk being the object of unwanted hate from your "friends".  Afterall, isn't it all about self-preservation, CYA (cover your ass), and maintaining ranks within your group?

I like this one better:

"Tell the truth even if it means that you will stand alone for a time.  At least people respect those who err on the side of truth.  If you can't do that then don't say anything.  The truth always emerges.  Remain open-minded and realize the drama always seems to come from the same places.  It's the best way to avoid embarrassing yourself."

3 Ways To Survive Life's Hurricanes!

3 Ways to Survive Life's Hurricanes

Ever have a major event happen in your life that was so difficult you didn't know how you would ever survive it?  Check out Marilyn's publication...

Is Your Child a Racehorse?

If your child is a "racehorse"... then you already know what that term means.  I am the Queen Mother of two "Racehorse" children.  A racehorse wants to run... period... end of subject.  They are bred to run... it's in the very blood that courses through their veins.  When a racehorse runs, their ears don't work (they don't listen), their brains don't work (they don't listen) and they will run until they can't run anymore with no regard for their personal safety or health.

A child with a strong personality is very similar.  They are independent, bold and fearless in a lot of ways. A racehorse will attempt to take control away from the rider by biting down on the bit so that the reins and bridle are less effective.  A racehorse out of the control of the rider is free to do most anything it wants to do.  The jockey has to maintain control of the horse in order to wisely use a strategy to win the race.  Without the wisdom of the rider, the horse would attempt to run full bore the entire length of the race.  Some horses don't have the stamina to do that and would lose every race if they were allowed to run this way.  So, the jockey will hold that horse back until a certain point in the race and then let them run full out to win.

That's me... the racehorse... let's go and git 'er done!! I'm a pusher and I can cover a lot of ground that way, but I can also run myself into the ground (and have more than once).  As a child growing up, I finally settled on softball as a way to "run my race".  I put a lot of time and energy into the sport up until just a few years ago.  I had several different coaches over the years but there were two coaches who were masters at harnessing the gifts in the various team members and pointing the way to victory for us.  For me, it was a matter of "taking the bit out of my teeth" and "pulling back on the reins" so that I would listen and learn.  I had the athletic gift, but without proper direction and authority, I would have never found out how good I could become at the sport.

My children were no different.  Both strong personalities, both wanting to take the bit in their teeth and run.  One thing I learned very quickly is that what worked with my son was over-kill for my daughter and I learned to adjust the correction.  By the same token, what worked for my daughter was like a gnat flying by son's head.  With her, strong verbal correction almost brought her to tears but for my son, it was "just words".  Both were extremely smart kids, but both had completely different learning challenges and learning styles.  AND... both were very strong, bold and independent kids.

Guess what I have now... two beautiful, very strong, very bold and very independent adults who have produced beautiful, strong, bold and independent grandchildren.  Each of my 4 grandchildren has their own unique personality and their gifts and talents are emerging daily.  Though there are differences in parenting styles of my two adult children and their spouses, one thing is clear... so far 3 out of 4 grandchildren are racehorses... number 4 is still a baby so time will tell with him :)

Number 1 Grandson is intelligent, wise beyond his years, funny, articulate, creative and a pretty good communicator.  He is the first born son of my son.  He is bold and independent just like his father.  Sometimes he get's the bit in his teeth and he wants to run the show but my son and daughter-in-law are learning to harness his gifts and talents and guide and direct him.  He is an absolute joy to be around and you are guaranteed to laugh and drop a jaw in awe at the things he says and does.  He's brilliant!

Then there's Number 2 Grandson.  He too is intelligent, wise beyond his years, funny, articulate, creative and  a pretty good communicator.  He is the first-born son of my daughter.   He is bold and independent just like his mother.  Sometimes he get's the bit in his teeth and he wants to run the show but my daughter and son-in-law are learning to harness his gifts and talents and guide and direct him.  He is an absolute joy to be around and you are guaranteed to laugh and drop a jaw in awe at the things he says and does.  He is also brilliant!

And we have Number 3 Granddaughter.  She a beautiful, tiny, little ball of fire.  She is also  intelligent, wise beyond her years, funny, articulate, creative and  a pretty good communicator.  She is the 2nd born of my son.   She is bold and independent just like her Father.  Sometimes she get's the bit in her teeth and she wants to run the show but my son and daughter-in-law are learning to harness her gifts and talents and guide and direct her.  She is an absolute joy to be around and you are guaranteed to laugh and drop a jaw in awe at the things she says and does.  She too is brilliant!

Then there's Number 4 Grandson.  He is the most adorable, agreeable baby.  Laid back, smiles all the time not too demanding.  Even though he is only 9 months old, his personality is starting to emerge.  No doubt, he will be a racehorse as well.  He is an absolute joy to be around as well, ticklish and laughs easily.  A brilliant little guy.

Now as you can see... I've pointed out the similarities between not only my adult children, but my grandchildren as well.  As any observant human knows, there are also always going to be distinct differences.  And because there are distinct differences among my grandchildren, some corrective methods work better than others, however the goal is always the same.  Harness the gifts and talents and direct them in a positive direction to obtain a positive outcome.  There may be various ways to get there, but the desired end result is the same.  Everyone wants their children to be more successful and more well-rounded than they were when they were kids.  The full responsibility of achieving this is squarely on the shoulders of every parent.  It is true that at some point, the responsibility becomes that of the individual, but as children (who know nothing of the world outside of their world) it is each parents' task to train their child up in the way they should go.  Grandparents also play a key role in the training of children as well.  But their task is far easier than that of the parents.  Grandparents have the luxury of always being the "Good Cop".  Grandparents can relax and take full advantage of the fact that the grands behave differently in their presence.  When the parents are away, only the Grandparent's rules apply, however it is our job as Grandparents to support our kids and the decisions they make with our grandchildren (the only exception to this is in the case of abuse).  Do we stretch it a little on the amount of ice cream a child is supposed to have??? Of course we do.  We are Grandparents... it is our duty to spoil the Grandbabies a little.  Every child need a Grandparent to trust and talk to.  But what we must NEVER do is under-mind the authority of the parents!! We don't have to like the way they do things, but we have an obligation to respect their way of doing things.  I think it's okay to ask questions if we don't understand the why, but where the rubber meets the road, we have to back our kids on the parenting thing.  We aren't allowed to say to the grands, "I think your mom or dad is too hard on you."  Saying things like that lends credence to a child's feelings of life just not being fair.

The truth is... sometimes life isn't fair but adults are a lot more wise than children so it is up to us to stick to our guns, remain consistent and be the bad guy once in a while.

DIVORCEES ARE NOT DA DEBIL!

If you've never been there... it's difficult to wrap your mind around it.  A common misconception is that Divorcees are now 'single and on the prowl.  Lock up your spouse until they find someone new'.  I know there are those who do feel insecure and will run out to 'hook up' with someone just to make themselves feel better.  Most of the time, those folks aren't even aware that they are doing it out of insecurity. But don't assume that ALL Divorcees feel this way or that they are immediately 'on the prowl'. Getting the 'hook up' is usually the last thing on the minds of a great number of intelligent people who find themselves separated or divorced.  Keep in mind that if they were your good and loyal friend last week before the separation occurred, nothing has changed this week.  They need your love and support NOW more than ever before.

I remember the morning that my now ex-husband revealed to me that he no longer wanted to be married.  Even though it wasn't all that surprising, it was still a shock.  We were in the middle of our morning routine for school and work and I was forced into the position of keeping my emotions in check and being strong for my kids who had no idea what was happening for several days.  On one hand I was furious at the circumstances but on the other we had invested 12 years into the relationship and had made it through other 'rough times'.  I was somewhat confused as to how to handle it so I was pretty tight-lipped for months.  The response from friends and family was shockingly mixed and I was VERY hurt by the initial things that were said.  But still I remained silent about the details because I had two young teens to think about.  Within a few months I was amazed to hear that I was having an "inappropriate relationship" with a man whose wife and daughter I was close with.  The fall-out from that really took it's toll on me.  This man (who has always been a perfect gentleman) and I were the last to know about our torrid 'relationship'.  But that's how gossip works.  Someone thinks they see something.  They should be a friend and take their concern to their brother or sister, but instead they choose to talk about it with others and it grows like a wild fire out of control!  The next thing you know, the story takes on a life of its own and all resemblance to the original story is gone.

Understand that divorce is extremely painful no matter how friendly and amicably it seems to end.  It is a major upheaval in the lives of everyone involved.  It is true that divorcees will say and do things that seem out of character for them.  The reason for that should be obvious but I found that most on-lookers don't figure that out right away.  Imagine for a moment that your entire life (your home, your family and friends) has just spontaneously combusted.  Everything you know has come unraveled and there's nothing you can do to stop it.  It does make you insecure and it does cause you to go a little 'crazy' temporarily.  The estranged spouses go into 'survival' mode.  A woman may be thinking, "Oh my gosh... where will I live, how will I support the kids... what if 'John' doesn't help me?"  A man may be thinking...  "Why doesn't 'Susie' love me any more... I'm 45... will women still find me attractive... how much is this going to cost me?"

Yes, things have changed overnight in your friend or loved one's life however, it's ridiculous to think that all Divorcees somehow 'morph' into someone else overnight.   And if you've never been divorced, trust me, you have no idea what it's like.  You can observe and read up on it, but you will never understand what happens on the inside of someone who's going through it.  The assumptions and subsequent snubs from friends and the ensuing gossip slowly eats away at the Subject of the all this unwanted attention.  In a real short amount of time the lines become very blurred.  You begin to ask yourself, "Is this person genuinely concerned for me, or are they just being nosy?"  I'm sad to report that in my case the majority were just being nosy.  They couldn't wait to get the dirt so they could go back and report their version of what they were told to the others who will further destroy any semblance of what was actually said."  It isn't long before you stop asking for help (which is desperately needed) for fear of further ridicule.  One observation I made is that you start to see all the divorced women grouped together at church, etc.  Why is that? You may be asking.  It's because they understand one another and they are about the only ones you can trust to be there for you and genuinely care about what you're going through.  As I was re-building my life, I moved several times and I can honestly say that the only people who helped me consistently were the other single moms.

Please, give your friends the benefit of the doubt.  If you think they're doing something wrong then tell them how you feel.  There's a good chance that your 'observation' is completely wrong and if you're onto something, the information can be of tremendous help to the divorcee.  Remember this is real life and not High School.  Divorce is serious business and the people involved need your love and support.  Even if they HAVE done something wrong, you are not being their friend by discussing it in private with others.  Eventually your gossip sessions become known and the hurt goes very deep and a lot of times the damage is irreversible.

So try to remember... DIVORCEES ARE NOT DA DEBIL!

Beautiful Downtown Tulsa

CONTROL...

SOMETIMES, THE ANSWER IS "NONE-YA"

I'm always looking for ways to reduce stress in my life and over the years I've done a pretty good job of recognizing the things that create stress for me personally.  I've mentioned a few of them in previous blogs... over-committing, allowing negative thought processes to go on auto-pilot and another BIG one is trying to make everyone happy!

We've all heard the old saying, "You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time!"  People are fickle... what pleases them one day, may not please them the next. And there always seems to be that one individual whom you can't please no matter what you do.  Start focusing on what makes YOU happy! I'm not saying that what makes others happy isn't important, I'm saying that when you find yourself in the predicament of differing opinions, sometimes you just have to do what is best for you.

When a disagreement occurs, ask yourself:

1.  Is this person even entitled to have an opinion in this situation?

2.  Is this person's opinion important to me or to the situation?

3.  Is this a relationship that is important to me?

How you answer these 3 questions is vital to consider before deciding how to respond (or NOT respond in some cases).  

Let's look at each question to make the determination a little easier:

1. Is this person even entitled to have an opinion in this situation?  

I'm sure many of you have run into a co-worker or family member or friend who can't seem to keep their nose out of other people's business including yours.  Are they genuinely trying to be helpful, or are they just being nosy and pushy because they don't understand what a boundary is?

2.  Is this person's opinion important to me or the situation?

I don't know about you but I carefully consider those people whose advise I value.  There are some whom I esteem highly and whom I feel contribute something positive to my life.  That list is VERY short.  Most everyone else may fall into a different category.  And someone from the long list may eventually make it onto my short list, but that's another blog post entirely :)  The bottom line here is that while you may choose to listen to the opinions of the 'long list' people, they may not be the right opinions to consider when making important decisions.  

3.  Is this a relationship that is important to me?

Some people may  not be on your short list, but their involvement in your life is important (a family member or co-worker/supervisor, etc.).  If you're not sure what to do in cases like these... sometimes no response is the best response.  If someone asks you a direct question, then I think you have to be honest with them but if you are positive that an honest answer is going to really hurt someone and the subject matter isn't life-threatening, silence is sometimes the right answer.

Best policy in the world... mind your own business.

But at the same time, make sure you are taking
care of your own business before 
you speak into someone else's life!

IT WILL BE WORTH IT!

I NEVER SAID

IT WOULD BE EASY...

I SAID IT WOULD

BE WORTH IT!

RELEASE YOUR SUPER KUNG-FU GRIP!

"Do not despise humble beginnings..."  That's what I heard this morning as I was sitting on the deck in front of our chimnea, drinking coffee and staring at the birds.  My initial thought was, "What do you mean, 'humble beginnings'... I've been on top for a long time.  I'm just going through a little speed bump here... that's all.  I'll recover from this little set-back and keep climbing!  There IS no humble or small beginning... I've already begun!"  

The revelation I had next was hard to hear but it was true and needed to be meditated on.

Sometimes it may appear that something you did that was "once great" has ended in an epic failure.  That all of your blood, sweat and tears were for nothing.  When the truth is that God has been trying to bring you out of a season and into the next.  But because you are holding onto that "once great thing" with a super-kung-fu grip, He's had to allow the inevitable cave-in to happen.  

The journey of this life is ever-evolving and ever-changing as we grow spiritually and emotionally.  

If you allow Him to... God will always do BIG things in your life.  He will use you in a BIG way to do something significant for Him.  But in order for Him to do that, you have to be willing to let earthly things that you no longer need to slip through your fingers like sand when He directs you to.   That "once great" thing may have been pretty cool, but if you did it on your own steam and He wasn't a part of it, you are truly selling yourself and God short.  His ways are not our ways and sometimes things happen that are hard to understand but the minute you let go of YOUR thing, He begins to do a New thing.

Matthew 3:12 says His winnowing fan is in His hand, and He will thoroughly clean out His threshing floor, and gather His wheat into the barn; but He will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.”

The word chaff means, "the husks of grains and grasses that are separated during threshing.

So in essence God wants to burn away the husks (useless parts/baggage) of your life so that the grain and grasses (useful parts) can emerge afresh and be used to take you to something GREATER! It burns a little, but when it all heals up... it's a beautiful thing.

TWO BY FOUR TO THE HEAD...

Ever feel like the whole world is closing in on you... that everyone is "out to get you" and a few of them already have?  We've all been there... life get's hectic and you take a few hits you didn't see coming and the next thing you know... you're scrutinizing everything around you and you become hyper-sensitive to the slightest negativity.  We are all responsible for our OWN feelings but in turn we are responsible for how OUR words and actions affect others. We are to be as wise as serpents but as gentle as dove.  This is a bit of a balancing act and sometimes it's hard to know where you stand.  My Pastor once gave me an analogy that has stuck with me for 15 years.

"If you hit someone in the head with a two by four, does it hurt?"  You bet it does!!! "If you hit someone in the head with a two by four on accident, does it hurt?"  Well... of course... it still hurts.

If we think of words and actions this way, it becomes apparent that we may need to pay a little more attention to what we say and how we say it.  It does make a difference. The Bible says that the power of life and death is held in the tongue, which means we are either speaking life or we are speaking death to or about one another.  The Bible also says we eat good the fruit of our lips, meaning we will eat the words we speak.  If we are speaking rotten, ugly things over someone, that fruit isn't going to taste too good when it comes back around and we have to eat those things.  But if we are speaking life and positivity, etc. those words are going to be very palatable going down.

I don't know about you, but I'll take the good, sweet fruit over the rotten, ugly fruit any day!

If we are speaking negativity, it's time to take a look at ourselves and ask the hard questions:

1. Am I speaking death?

2. If the answer to that is yes, then why am I doing that?
3. What am I going to do to change that?

Once we've identified the problem, we need to filter it through God's Word and ask God to show us how to turn that around.  It can be as simple as paying attention to what we're thinking about and changing that to something positive.  Also, tempering our words with a little diplomacy certainly helps.


Bottom line... put down the two by four before you hurt someone! 

FEAR... MY BITTER ENEMY!

Today... my Pastor posted a simple question... "What new thing has God impressed upon you today?  Ask yourself."


He posts things like this all the time and I mostly just click "like" and sometimes share to my wall as well.  But today, I had to pause and reflect on this question.  Don't know why this particular question, but God really spoke to my heart about it.  As I continue to mull it over, I believe that He's trying to impress upon me that my answer to this question is the key to "everything" that's not quite right in my life.  Don't get me wrong... I have a great job, a wonderful relationship with a man whom I fully believe loves me more deeply every day, amazing kids/kids-in-law and grandkids.  There's just this lingering thing that I can never quite put my finger on.


Today... I answered Pastor Bill's question thusly, "That I am loved and it's okay to trust people and receive it... and that the speed of my healing is contingent upon my willingness to allow Him to heal my heart. That fear of being hurt again is my bitter enemy!"


Wow... what an epiphany! You can be the most loved person on the planet and your heart not truly receive that because of fear. 


Sometimes we can be in pain and maybe no one knows (including ourselves) and it can seem as if no one really cares.  And then again, others may know we are hurting and not know what to do to help us or know how to help us.  Most think that "time heals all things" but that's only true if we allow ourselves to be healed...


Isaiah 61:1 proclaims that the Lord sent Jesus to bind up the broken-hearted, free the captives and release prisoners from the darkness.  He came to do more than just relieve our pain... He came to correct the cause of our pain!  The real problem is a broken relationship with Him.  Even though I know Him intimately, I don't always filter everything through 'His way of doing things'.  I realize that my pain goes waaaaayyyy back.


I finally know what my New Year's Resolution is going to be... I'm going to purpose in my heart to allow that which was broken to be restored.  God I need you to help me with that, in Jesus' name I ask it! Amen!  


Hey if this applies to you too... please message me... we can pray a prayer of agreement and do this thing together! 

WELCOME TO FLIGHT 2012

Good Morning Ladies and Gents, and Welcome to Flight 2012. We are prepared to take off into the New Year. Please make sure your Attitude and Blessings are secured and locked in the upright position. All self-destructive devices should be turned off at this time. All negativity, hurt, and discouragement should be put away. Should we lose altitude under pressure, during the flight, reach up and pull down a Prayer! Prayers will automatically be activated by Faith. Once your Faith is activated you can assist other passengers. There will be NO BAGGAGE allowed on this flight. GOD the Captain has cleared us for takeoff -- Destination - GREATNESS! 

Are They Just Stoppin' By... Or Are They Stayin'?

You Are Beautiful... Believe It!!

OUR MEN ARE LARGE AND IN CHARGE...

Have you ever had a disagreement with a man??  Did you find yourself stubbornly refusing to concede, even though HE was right? At some point during my life I realized I was completely wrong in doing that, even if HE was wrong.  I've learned a lot about men in the last 15 years.  Things I would have never come to know had I not begun to look at myself.  Each of us have our own perspective on life... some of those views are rock-solid and we think that no one could possibly make us see things differently.  Well... if we are closed off and guarded all the time and if we have allowed our hearts to become hard... there's very little that can be done to help us be better and therefore HAPPIER.  I don't know about you, but I can always use, "HAPPIER"!

When I began to study the roles of men and women within the church something interesting happened to me.  As I gained understanding of God's way of doing things, I took less and less on my own shoulders and began to relax and allow the men in my life (my son and my now ex-husband) to walk freely in the call that God had on their lives.  God was in the process of shaping and molding them too and I was totally getting in the way of that simply because I didn't understand MY role.

Did you know that men are wired to be providers for their families?  I didn't know that.  Men are also wired to be protectors and leaders.  Now before all my sisters go crazy thinking that I'm saying that women shouldn't be providers, protectors and leaders... I'm absolutely NOT saying that at all.  What I am saying is that if a woman is in a relationship with a man and she doesn't have this basic understanding of the role of a man, then trouble is sure to result.  On the flip side of this relationship, women by design are nurturers, home-makers and helpers. Any time either a man or a woman doesn't understand this, unrealistic expectations and hurt feelings are inevitable.

A man is the head of the house, just as Jesus is the head of the Church (body of believers-not the building).  The Bible says that women are to submit to the leadership of their husbands.  Now from a worldly perspective that doesn't sound very palatable for a woman.  But when you dig in and look at the original translation of that scripture, you'll find that it simply means, "To fall under the protection of your husband."  In our hearts we, as women, know this is true.  Case in point:

Ladies have you ever had to take your car in to have a repair done?  Your're there alone and discussing the nature of the problem.  The service guy tells you how much it will cost and what the basic problem is.  You even agree to a price and leave the car for them to fix.  But when you come back to get the car, the charges have doubled and it "turns out" the repair guy was "wrong" on his diagnosis and is now going to charge you double in order for you to have your car back.  How many times have you thought, "If I was a man, this guy wouldn't attempt to pull that on me."?  I can tell you from experience it's happened to me A LOT in the last 10 years of being single.  I also know that when I've shared that experience with Ruben (who has been my brother and protector in Christ for those 10 yrs), he blew a gasket over it.  The bottom line is that had I been married and my husband taken the car in for repair, these things would happen less frequently.  This is a very small example of what it means to fall under the protection of a male leader (Father, Husband, Brother, etc.).

Did you know that when decisions are being made, it's actually the man's responsibility to make the decision?  That doesn't mean that we girls don't get to have an opinion. There should absolutely be a collaborative effort!  However, when push comes to shove, the ladies need to defer to their men.  Trust me... it really isn't worth it for either party to feel they have to be "right" all the time.  Be smart... pick your battles!  The bottom line is that the Fellas are always held accountable to God for their decisions and if they make the wrong ones, it's on them! Another case in point:

God created Adam and made him ruler over every living thing.  Then he created Eve to help Adam and keep him company.  If you look at Genesis and the creation story, you'll see that God told Adam he was in charge.  He never said, "Okay, now that Eve is here, you don't have to be in charge all of the time.  You just let her do whatever she wants to do."  Adam had a responsibility to make sure Eve was safe and that she knew the rules of the Garden.  Eve knew she was wrong to eat the fruit of the Tree of Good and Evil, but she took a stand of independence.  She listened to the words of the serpent and made an independent decision to eat the fruit and the inevitable happened.  However, when God confronted them about it, Eve blamed the serpent.  Adam didn't take responsibility either.  He even went so far as to say, "Lord, the woman YOU gave me has done this."  Oh my... think about that for a minute.  There was no collaborative decision and when it went ugly, they blamed everyone except themselves.  See it's not a new problem... it's an age-old one.  That story was written thousands of years ago.  In modern-day terms, suffice it to say that if a man understands his role and walks confidently in it, then he has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders.  If we ladies feel the need to "help" him out by being coarse and over-bearing and things don't work out, we have no one to blame but ourselves.  But fellas, if you don't have the cojones to take responsibility and do your part, you have no one to blame but yourself.

My words are a call to wave the white flag!!  We must determine in our hearts NOT to play the blame game.  If your man makes a decision that is not what we ladies had decided was best and things go wrong, we have to refrain from saying, "I told you that wouldn't work!"  But at the same time, it's not okay for men to "Lord It" over the ladies.  Taking Gods intentions out of context is damaging for both men and women.  History has shown us that.  Other cultures have shown us that.  Keeping God at the center of it is the key.  HIS way of doing things takes all of the guess work out of it and frees us to be happy with who we are as sons and daughters of a God who loves us!

Strive to Always Do Something

A Real Man... He Does Exist!

How does a woman know a real man when she sees him?
One never just “sees” a real man…
A woman feels him in the depths of her innermost heart…
That secret place where God conceals her true inner beauty…
The beauty locked up tight and only revealed to the man who
Knows how to find the key…
A real man feels the physical attraction but isn’t satisfied with that alone…
A real man is clever and wise…
He’s both funny and smart…
He’s handsome and attractive in the most sensual ways…
Yet exhibits discipline and manners…
He’s steady and strong both physically and mentally…
He’s deep and intellectual without being pretentious…
Confident without arrogance…
Leads by example...
He understands that submitting to him
Means to fall under his protection...
He's passionate about what he believes in
Stands his ground when he know's it's best...
His perspective is in the best interest of others...
He's loving and kind…
Generous and helpful…
Gives until it hurts…
And then gives some more!

Juggling... An Amazing Skill or Slow Death of a Happy Life?

Ever feel like you're running from one thing to the next?!  Like you're late for everything but you MUST get there and at least make a showing?!  Like you're the only person on the planet who can solve every problem you're privvy to and it has to be solved RIGHT NOW?!  And the list goes on and on and on...

You never seem to have time to do anything for yourself (go to a movie, dinner with a friend, etc.) because you're either too busy solving the world's problems or exhausted from the effort of trying.
Like a professional juggler performing before a crowd of thousands... you MUST keep every ball in the air and make it look effortless.  Maybe you've let a ball drop in the past and someone, whose expectations of you are pretty high (because you've become an expert juggler), has harshly criticized you.  Maybe you're thinking, "Gee... I can't let these balls drop because if I do... I'm pretty worthless."  

That used to be me... I still catch myself doing it every now and then... but now I'm more aware of it.  My Pastor told me at one time that he was going to send me to "Over-Committer's Anonymous" where we would sit around in chairs and practice telling each other, "NO!".  I thought that was a funny analogy and at the time I just laughed about it, but it stuck with me and to this day I hear his voice saying this very thing whenever I start feeling over-whelmed.

Ever wonder what would happen if you just stood still and let the balls drop to the ground??  I wondered for a long time but did nothing.  Then one day... I realized that there were a lot of people around me who were throwing their balls into my juggling act and I was juggling their balls as well.  They were happy to sit back and enjoy the show and allow me to do all the work on their behalf. Some of them even took credit for MY hard work.  

One day... I threw my hands up and let all the balls come crashing down, figuratively speaking.  I just stood there watching them bounce around and roll away until they all stopped moving.  I pictured myself picking them up one at a time to see which particular ball each one was... one said, "Derek", who's my son and another, "Lauren", my daughter.  I picked them both up and put them in my bucket.  I walked around looking at each of these balls until I had identified the ones that were important and that I and I alone was responsible for.  I put them all in a bucket and sat down to rest for the first time in a VERY long time.  I watched as others slowly and reluctantly came over and picked up their balls and walked away.  Some of them were angry or disgusted that they were suddenly having to take up the slack for ME.  I started to laugh as I realized that I wasn't the only one who wasn't "getting it".  Others will sometimes develop a sense of entitlement... that you some how owe it to them to juggle their balls.  Eventually... the balls were all claimed by their rightful owner.  The number of balls had gone from 20 to 4 in a matter of minutes.  It was amazing how much happier I became and how much time I had for my kids and time to do the things I love to do. 

I learned to be a better leader and a better follower as a result of this epiphany of events.  If I'm an efficient leader, I am a delegator and helping the team succeed by teaching others to do the work.  If I'm an efficient follower, I'm learning to support the leadership of others and do my part to help the team succeed.  Just because someone does things differently than I do does not make it wrong.  Allowing the creativity of a team to flow produces much better results and makes room for the leadership qualities of others to emerge.  The result is that my stress level has dropped dramatically and I'm enjoying my life for the first time in many years.

Are you a professional Juggler???  Are you allowing others to make you responsible for their part?  And more importantly.... are you stifling the growth of others by insisting upon juggling their balls?  Only you can change that!!

Choose the Life You Deserve!!

YOU Are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made!

Did you know that YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made??  Each and every one of you is a special and unique creation.  There is no one else like you anywhere on the earth.  You may be a twin or triplet, etc... and you may look like your siblings, but your personality and who you are on the inside is uniquely YOU!  How cool is that?!

You may strive to be like your "hero" or "idol", Mom or Dad or like someone you know and admire.  Try as you might, your individuality will always shine through.  Who you are is GREAT!  Who you are is FABULOUS!  If you aren't feelin' it for YOU... then let's examine why and let's change that once and for all!

Ask yourself, "WHY, WHAT and WHO?"

WHY am I unhappy?
WHAT can I do to change how I feel?
WHO might be able to help me?

For example:
Maybe you've gained a few pounds because you gave up a team sport or some other activity that helped keep you fit.  Alright... we've identified that you are unhappy with your weight.  The obvious answer to "What can I do to change how I feel?" is that you have to find something to replace your previous form of exercise.  There are any number of things that you can do that are fun, cost very little and can produce great results.

When I played softball (for over 35 years), I had a routine before and after each game which really became a "must" after age 30...  I stretched different muscles/tendons/ligaments for at least 10 seconds (or to a count of 10) for each group. It takes about 5 minutes for the entire routine and I found by doing this, not only did it cut down significantly on getting injured during a game, but I wasn't as sore the next day.  Now, at age 47, I also do some toning.  The toning portion takes about another 10 minutes if I don't cheat :)

Then there's the food... yikes... the food... I love to eat as much as the next person but when I'm not as active, my body doesn't need as much food as it does when I'm playing double-headers two nights a week.  So some simple principles have helped me keep things under control.

Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a queen and dinner like a pauper.  Also a light snack (piece of fruit or a granola bar) at 10am and 2pm is a great way to keep your energy level up and keep your metabolism churning all day.  If you are forced to eat out often, choose from the kids menu (portion control) and always do your best to eat fresh fruits and vegetables daily... it makes all the difference in the world for your digestive system.

So in 15 minutes of exercise a day and by tweaking my eating habits a little... I can effectively change the way my body looks.

So WHY are YOU unhappy... go on... ask yourself!!

WHY am I unhappy, WHAT am I gonna do about it and WHO can help me?

Self-Esteem... A Womans Friend or Foe!

As compassionate, nurturing creatures go... women are emotional about most things.  Self-esteem can be an issue for a lot of us ladies.  First and foremost... know that you can be in control of the thoughts going through your head at any given time.  Most of us run on auto-pilot with our thought processes especially when we are busy.  If you find yourself feeling anxious... STOP whatever it is you are doing at that moment.  Ask yourself this question, "What am I thinking about?"  If you determine that this is the reason for your anxiety, then change what you are thinking about immediately!  I found it was easier said than done sometimes so I made a list of ten (10) things that make me happy when I think of them.  During the time I was re-training my thought life, I had them written down on a little piece of paper and kept it in my pocket every day for a couple of months.  Each time I caught myself thinking on things that brought me down... I pulled out my paper and picked a subject.  One was "Sunshine on the Beach".  I would close my eyes, clear my mind and imagine myself laying on the beach.  I would imagine the warmth of the sun on my face, the smell of an ocean breeze and the sound of the waves and birds.  I could do this for about 2 minutes and change my mood.  It was awesome and I felt the power of it every time I did it.

Take some time and memorize a scripture about it and recite it in your mind if you are busy working and can't get alone for reflection time.  Mine is:

Philippians 4:8
[ Meditate on These Things ] Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

Sometimes I just say to myself, "Pure, lovely and of good report... Pure, lovely and of good report!"  It works every time!

Stop and Smell the Coffee Brewing

Ever meet someone who just can't make a decision to save their soul??  Something as simple as parking is an ordeal.  Then there are those of us on the opposite end of the scale who have no trouble making decisions.  Right wrong or indifferent we can make a decision.  Sometimes those snap decisions cause us to chase our tails until we discover that we are getting no where.  Both personalities could use a little "help".  One struggles with distraction or fear and one struggles with feeling as though the balls must always be in the air and in motion at all times.  Both can learn from each other and use the same strategy to "change" the way they view decisions.

Every day... a friend of mine wakes up, puts on a pot of coffee, grabs an egg timer, a book and a pen and note pad.  He reads for 30 minutes and then he pauses for reflection.  He thinks about what he has just read for a few moments and then he begins to plan his day or the next phase of a project he's working on.

What I found out is that usually in the time it takes to brew a pot of coffee, you can implement a plan to do even the smallest things more efficiently.  If the decision involves something significant, make a list... write down your thoughts and begin to formulate a plan to implement your decisions.

You'll be glad you did!