TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE... That is the Question!

Have you ever taken a good look at what happens with children of divorce?  I can honestly say, that until I found myself in the position of raising two kids alone... I really hadn't given it much thought.  There are many facets of divorce that affect kids but I don't think any are more potentially harmful than introducing someone new into the dynamic too soon.  I learned the hard way that even the seemingly nicest of people can be mean to your children.  Most decent people who fall in love with a single parent are all gung-ho in the beginning, but allow a little time to go by and suddenly your kids can be conveying a very different story.

In my case, my adorable very young children were hard for anyone to resist.  When your whole world revolves around your little ones, it only makes sense that men see them as an opportunity to impress you with how good they are with children.  Playing with kids for a couple of hours is one thing, but being their father figure is an entirely different matter.  I'm no longer impressed with a man's ability to make kids like them. That's pretty easy when the kids see you as a playmate.  The man who uses his ability to lead AND teach AND play makes a whole lot more sense.  But let's face it.  How many men are really looking to be a ready-made father?  Even though your ex-husband or ex-wife is actively involved with your children, introducing the right potential step-parent into their lives is extremely important.

One way to avoid any misunderstandings and protect your children is to simply keep your dating life separate from your home life.  The last thing your children need is to meet a string of strangers coming in and out of your life.  Kids need to feel secure in their home and the boundaries being clearly defined help promote that security.  Allowing different people to interact with them is confusing, so simply do not allow strangers to know where you live.  If a relationship develops and something long term is on the horizon, then it's time to introduce the kids.  Arrange meetings that will only occur in public for short periods of time so that you can observe your child's reaction and your potential mate's interaction with them.  If things go well you can slowly begin to lengthen the time and allow that person to come to your home.

**A VERY STRONG WORD OF CAUTION!!  NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE WITH THIS NEW PERSON!**

The world is full of surprises.  A pedophile or abusive person is not going to enter into a relationship with you and state up front, "Hey... by the way... I'm a pedophile/abuser."  The world is full of them and while it may seem paranoid to take such a stance with new people, once a child has been violated the damage is done and cannot be undone.  Better to err on the side of caution than to risk your precious angel's physical well-being and life-long mental health.  Some people find it difficult to bond with children in general and for many it is impossible to bond with someone else's child.  Those people can become abusive toward your child quite easily, even if they have no history of child abuse.  So use common-sense, be very cautious and observant.  If you child tells you something is wrong... LISTEN to them.

In my case, I attempted to date men whom my kids knew well already and were VERY fond of.  But when the potential relationship came to light... things turned ugly really fast.  I ended up dating secretly in groups (secret from my kids that is) and was able to have plenty of social interaction to keep me from being too lonely but at the same time I was able to maintain consistency in my home.  Not that there weren't other issues.  Raising teenagers without their dad in the home is extremely difficult.

Once my youngest child left the nest, I started to get out more often and date a little.  Two years later I had my first semi-serious relationship.  My adult children met him a few times and it turned out that we weren't right for each other.  A year later I was in a serious relationship with a wonderful man and things couldn't be better.  There was still a bit of a transitional hiccup with the kids, but I was prepared for and expected that to occur.

Just my two-cents...