You Wake Up & Life Has Forever Changed

Prior to the separation of my marriage, I had been a stay-at-home mom for nearly 7 years.  I had worked part-time (during the day when the kids were in school) but for the most part, I was home when my family left for the day and home when they returned.  I kept the house and finances in order and helped with homework every day! Dinner was on the table by 6pm every evening and we did pretty much everything as a family.

When the decision is made to separate or divorce, entire lives are changed over- night! 

After the separation, keeping as much continuity for the kids was very important to me.  I kept them in the same school and the same church and attended all the same activities for as long as it was feasible to do so.
My son eventually took the hardest hit of all. While children ideally need both parents in their lives, daughters need their mothers and sons need their dads. I can teach my son many things, but I am ill-equipped to teach him how to be a man, though God gave me the grace to do the best I could. Being the only male in the home eventually became very difficult for him and he jokingly referred to our home as "estrogen-ville".

I know it was hard for him, I was always a little over-protective to begin with, but after the separation, I was even more so.  He was having a difficult time adjusting to life without his dad around and so my brother and my Pastor as well as Youth Leaders in our church were stepping in to give him some "guy time".  This was very helpful for the most part.  The best advice I can give you is to communicate, communicate, communicate!! No one knows your children better than you do and others who get involved should remember that these are not their kids they are yours.

So the moral of this particular story is:  Maintain some continuity for your children's everyday lives and communicate with teachers, family members and anyone else who is interacting with your child on a regular basis!  And pray... pray... pray with your kids daily.  Preferably in the  morning... starting your day on the same page is HUGE!

The "D" Word

Divorce... This word carries such an ugly connotation. When I hear someone talk about an impending divorce, I still say, "I'm so sorry!". Nearly everyone reacts to my sympathy the same way and they say something like, "It's okay... it's a good thing!" While I know first hand that sometimes divorce is the only solution, it's still a very difficult time for even the most amicable of break-ups. If kids are involved... it can be a disasterous time.

Let's talk first about the over-all decision itself. Ask yourself the hard questions:


1. What is the basic problem?
2. Have I done all I can personally do to resolve it?
3. If not, what more can I do?
4. Am I being rational about the situation?
5. Have I talked about this with someone I trust?

Notice the theme here is "I" and not "he or she". When it comes down to something as serious as this is, it doesn't make any sense to continue to place blame on each other. It's time to do some self-examination and seek outside help from someone who will not immediately jump into the pity boat with you. Talking with someone who has some sense and isn't prone to nodding "yes" to everything you say is crucial. Someone who cares about your spouse is ideal because they tend to be a bit more objective. If you are talking to someone who readily agrees with you without asking questions, they may be your friend or loved one, but they are not the right person to be discussing such an important issue with.

After you have taken a complete look at yourself and your motives you will be in a position to make a better decision about what to do. If you aren't willing to self-examine you could very well be making a very selfish decision that you will later regret. Be sure of what you're doing before you begin something that will alter the lives of your entire family. Make sure you've exhausted every means to self-correct first.
The reason I hit "self-examiniation" so hard is because we honestly cannot control what other people do. We can, however, control our own motives and decisions. Who knows, you may still end up divorced but you will learn something VERY valuable about yourself that will serve you well going forward!