Saturday, February 4, 2017
Thursday, September 6, 2012
TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE... That is the Question!
Have you ever taken a good look at what happens with children of divorce? I can honestly say, that until I found myself in the position of raising two kids alone... I really hadn't given it much thought. There are many facets of divorce that affect kids but I don't think any are more potentially harmful than introducing someone new into the dynamic too soon. I learned the hard way that even the seemingly nicest of people can be mean to your children. Most decent people who fall in love with a single parent are all gung-ho in the beginning, but allow a little time to go by and suddenly your kids can be conveying a very different story.
In my case, my adorable very young children were hard for anyone to resist. When your whole world revolves around your little ones, it only makes sense that men see them as an opportunity to impress you with how good they are with children. Playing with kids for a couple of hours is one thing, but being their father figure is an entirely different matter. I'm no longer impressed with a man's ability to make kids like them. That's pretty easy when the kids see you as a playmate. The man who uses his ability to lead AND teach AND play makes a whole lot more sense. But let's face it. How many men are really looking to be a ready-made father? Even though your ex-husband or ex-wife is actively involved with your children, introducing the right potential step-parent into their lives is extremely important.
One way to avoid any misunderstandings and protect your children is to simply keep your dating life separate from your home life. The last thing your children need is to meet a string of strangers coming in and out of your life. Kids need to feel secure in their home and the boundaries being clearly defined help promote that security. Allowing different people to interact with them is confusing, so simply do not allow strangers to know where you live. If a relationship develops and something long term is on the horizon, then it's time to introduce the kids. Arrange meetings that will only occur in public for short periods of time so that you can observe your child's reaction and your potential mate's interaction with them. If things go well you can slowly begin to lengthen the time and allow that person to come to your home.
**A VERY STRONG WORD OF CAUTION!! NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE WITH THIS NEW PERSON!**
The world is full of surprises. A pedophile or abusive person is not going to enter into a relationship with you and state up front, "Hey... by the way... I'm a pedophile/abuser." The world is full of them and while it may seem paranoid to take such a stance with new people, once a child has been violated the damage is done and cannot be undone. Better to err on the side of caution than to risk your precious angel's physical well-being and life-long mental health. Some people find it difficult to bond with children in general and for many it is impossible to bond with someone else's child. Those people can become abusive toward your child quite easily, even if they have no history of child abuse. So use common-sense, be very cautious and observant. If you child tells you something is wrong... LISTEN to them.
In my case, I attempted to date men whom my kids knew well already and were VERY fond of. But when the potential relationship came to light... things turned ugly really fast. I ended up dating secretly in groups (secret from my kids that is) and was able to have plenty of social interaction to keep me from being too lonely but at the same time I was able to maintain consistency in my home. Not that there weren't other issues. Raising teenagers without their dad in the home is extremely difficult.
Once my youngest child left the nest, I started to get out more often and date a little. Two years later I had my first semi-serious relationship. My adult children met him a few times and it turned out that we weren't right for each other. A year later I was in a serious relationship with a wonderful man and things couldn't be better. There was still a bit of a transitional hiccup with the kids, but I was prepared for and expected that to occur.
Just my two-cents...
In my case, my adorable very young children were hard for anyone to resist. When your whole world revolves around your little ones, it only makes sense that men see them as an opportunity to impress you with how good they are with children. Playing with kids for a couple of hours is one thing, but being their father figure is an entirely different matter. I'm no longer impressed with a man's ability to make kids like them. That's pretty easy when the kids see you as a playmate. The man who uses his ability to lead AND teach AND play makes a whole lot more sense. But let's face it. How many men are really looking to be a ready-made father? Even though your ex-husband or ex-wife is actively involved with your children, introducing the right potential step-parent into their lives is extremely important.
One way to avoid any misunderstandings and protect your children is to simply keep your dating life separate from your home life. The last thing your children need is to meet a string of strangers coming in and out of your life. Kids need to feel secure in their home and the boundaries being clearly defined help promote that security. Allowing different people to interact with them is confusing, so simply do not allow strangers to know where you live. If a relationship develops and something long term is on the horizon, then it's time to introduce the kids. Arrange meetings that will only occur in public for short periods of time so that you can observe your child's reaction and your potential mate's interaction with them. If things go well you can slowly begin to lengthen the time and allow that person to come to your home.
**A VERY STRONG WORD OF CAUTION!! NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE WITH THIS NEW PERSON!**
The world is full of surprises. A pedophile or abusive person is not going to enter into a relationship with you and state up front, "Hey... by the way... I'm a pedophile/abuser." The world is full of them and while it may seem paranoid to take such a stance with new people, once a child has been violated the damage is done and cannot be undone. Better to err on the side of caution than to risk your precious angel's physical well-being and life-long mental health. Some people find it difficult to bond with children in general and for many it is impossible to bond with someone else's child. Those people can become abusive toward your child quite easily, even if they have no history of child abuse. So use common-sense, be very cautious and observant. If you child tells you something is wrong... LISTEN to them.
In my case, I attempted to date men whom my kids knew well already and were VERY fond of. But when the potential relationship came to light... things turned ugly really fast. I ended up dating secretly in groups (secret from my kids that is) and was able to have plenty of social interaction to keep me from being too lonely but at the same time I was able to maintain consistency in my home. Not that there weren't other issues. Raising teenagers without their dad in the home is extremely difficult.
Once my youngest child left the nest, I started to get out more often and date a little. Two years later I had my first semi-serious relationship. My adult children met him a few times and it turned out that we weren't right for each other. A year later I was in a serious relationship with a wonderful man and things couldn't be better. There was still a bit of a transitional hiccup with the kids, but I was prepared for and expected that to occur.
Just my two-cents...
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
HAVE YOU GREASED THE GOSSIP WHEEL LATELY?
Gossip... Probably the single most damaging thing we can do to each other. Listening to it is just as damaging as spreading it.
"Jenny heard something bad that Misty said about Shelley. You aren't going to believe what's going on!" Blabberista said to Blubberina.
"O-M-G... tell me, tell me!" Exclaimed Blubberina. "And don't leave any details out!"
"Well" said Blabberista, "Jenny asked me not to tell so promise me you won't repeat ANY of this!"
"I won't, I won't... I PROMISE!" said Blubberina. "Wait, wait... let me get a soda and make some popcorn... this is gunna be good!!"
"Okay... I'm ready... spill the beans, stir the pot, and grease the wheel... I love this stuff!" gushed Blubberina.
"Apparently it happened 2 years ago. Shelley had a disagreement with Misty", Blabberista explained. "It sounded to me like Shelley was trying to help Misty but Misty insists that Shelley is just a bad person in general. Shelley was pretty upset over Misty's behavior but gave her a ride home any way. Even though Misty railed on and on at Shelley, called her every name in the book AND threw an entire glass of ice water on her as she was driving, Shelley took her home anyway."
"Yeah, yeah... that sounds just like Shelley... she's such a Do-Gooder! Who does she think she is?!" said Blubberina.
"Anyway" continued Blabberista, "It seems Shelley sent a message to Misty explaining that what she had done was unacceptable behavior and that Shelley wouldn't tolerate it. She told Misty to get some help. However, Misty is mad because Shelley blocked Misty on Facebook and now Misty feels that Shelley didn't allow her to apologize the next day. Misty thinks Shelley's a coward. That doesn't make any sense to me but that's what Jenny said. And if Jenny said it... it must be true! Besides, Misty is our friend... we have to take her side, even if she's sorta wrong."
"I don't like that Shelly girl anyway. I mean, I barely know her... well, I don't know her at all. But still, I just don't like her." said Blubberina. "You can't trust anyone who won't join in on greasing the gossip wheel. She's always smiling and saying nice things about everyone. But one night, I heard her put Tommy in his place. He was way over-stepping his bounds but she didn't put up with it. She tactfully told him she wouldn't tolerate his unwanted advances and filthy talk at the table. Tommy acted like a jerk and just continued anyway, but she didn't back down. I heard Shelley didn't even cuss or anything. She and her date finally left because they didn't seem to be enjoying themselves. She's dating Dexter. Looks pretty serious."
"The nerve of that Shelley girl. I know we should be better hosts and welcome her into the group since we like Dexter so much. He's a nice guy and he seems to really like her. But Misty is our friend and even if Misty was wrong, we have to side with Misty no matter what." said Blabberista.
"But what if we run Dexter off?" said Blubberina.
"Yeah... he's our friend too!" said Blabberista. "We really like him. Is it worth it to side with Misty, even though she's wrong, and run Dexter off just because we don't like Shelley, even though she's never done anything to us? And we barely know her... I mean we don't know her at all."
"So basically we are running Dexter off because we all decided we don't like Shelley." said Blubberina.
"Yes... that's basically it." said Blabberista.
"Wow... has anyone even talked to Shelley or Dexter?" asked Blubberina. "Has anyone asked them their side of the story?"
"Well, not that I know of." said Blabberista
"Ya know Jenny and Misty are best friends." said Blubberina. "You don't suppose there's more to this story and Jenny and Misty are covering for each other?! I mean they've done that before."
"Well, I could swear I heard Misty tell me that she apologized to Shelley about 6 months ago and they became friends and all was well until recently." said Blabberista
"I heard that too." said Blubberina. "I wonder what changed?"
"I heard that Mary is mad at Shelley now and so Misty decided to be mad at Shelley all over again." said Blabberista.
"What kind of hair-brained thinking is that?" said Blubberina. "Why would you just suddenly decide to be mad all over again, when you had no reason to be mad the first time? Didn't you say that Misty apologized to Shelley 6 months ago?"
"Yes I did." said Blabberista. "So that would indicate that Misty admitted that she was wrong 2 years ago and that's why she apologized."
"Okay but why is Mary mad at Shelley?" said Blubberina.
"Well, Mary's mad because she confronted Shelley about her falling out with Kathy." explained Blabberista.
"Who the heck is Kathy?" asked Blubberina.
"I have no idea... I mean I've seen her with Mary but I've never met her and I don't know anything about her." said Blabberista.
"So Mary barely knows Shelley?" asked Blubberina.
"Mary told me she only knows Shelley from Facebook and that she seemed okay until the "confrontation" several months ago." said Blabberista.
"Okay so Mary's mad because she stuck her nose into Shelley's business and Shelley didn't like it and told her so?" asked Blubberina
"As far as I know... that's right." said Blabberista. "I know... it' doesn't make any sense. Everyone has the right to defend themselves. Especially if Mary only had Kathy's side of the story. Mary did say that Cindy didn't like it either and she's known Shelley for a number of years."
"Oh, I see." said Blubberina. "So that makes it okay for Mary to intervene, ask no questions whatsoever, make accusations and then be mad about the response she received from Shelley. I still don't understand why Mary is telling everyone that Shelley is a bad person."
"Well, it doesn't matter because Mary and Misty are our friends and we have to make sure everyone knows about this Do-Gooder, Shelley!" exclaimed Blabberista. "Even if it runs Dexter off, even if we don't know that Kathy girl and even if it's a hateful thing to do... we have to spread the lie, I mean word! After all, we like Mary."
"Okay, so let me get this straight... we don't like Shelley because she's a nice girl, not too pushy, but not a push-over. We don't like her because she's dating Dexter and we especially don't like her because Mary says not to." said Blubberina.
"Yeah, and don't forget... she is an outsider. That's the most important part of all. We don't accept outsiders! Dexter was fair game and Shelley came along and took him! We especially don't like that!" said Blabberista
"Oh.. I almost forgot about something else I heard. Samantha said that Shelley is insecure about her relationship with Dexter. She said that Shelley attacked her because she was messaging Dexter privately." said Blubberina.
"Yes but before Samantha said that Shelley attacked her, she told me that Shelley politely asked her to respect their relationship and the fact that Shelley and Dexter are in a serious, live-in relationship. Samantha told me that she was embarrassed and actually apologized to Shelley." said Blabberista
"Oh, I see." said Blubberina. "Samantha changed her story when she found out that Mary was mad too. That doesn't seem fair. I guess she just wanted to get some attention too."
"Yep, you're probably right." said Blabberista. "Doesn't matter what the truth really is, we don't want any of those people mad at us and doing to us what they're doing to Shelley so we have to stick to the lie... I mean the story!"
"Agreed!" said Blubberina.
Moral Of The Story:
It is far better to perpetuate a complete lie, than it is to tell the truth and risk being the object of unwanted hate from your "friends". Afterall, isn't it all about self-preservation, CYA (cover your ass), and maintaining ranks within your group?
I like this one better:
"Tell the truth even if it means that you will stand alone for a time. At least people respect those who err on the side of truth. If you can't do that then don't say anything. The truth always emerges. Remain open-minded and realize the drama always seems to come from the same places. It's the best way to avoid embarrassing yourself."
"Jenny heard something bad that Misty said about Shelley. You aren't going to believe what's going on!" Blabberista said to Blubberina.
"O-M-G... tell me, tell me!" Exclaimed Blubberina. "And don't leave any details out!"
"Well" said Blabberista, "Jenny asked me not to tell so promise me you won't repeat ANY of this!"
"I won't, I won't... I PROMISE!" said Blubberina. "Wait, wait... let me get a soda and make some popcorn... this is gunna be good!!"
"Okay... I'm ready... spill the beans, stir the pot, and grease the wheel... I love this stuff!" gushed Blubberina.
"Apparently it happened 2 years ago. Shelley had a disagreement with Misty", Blabberista explained. "It sounded to me like Shelley was trying to help Misty but Misty insists that Shelley is just a bad person in general. Shelley was pretty upset over Misty's behavior but gave her a ride home any way. Even though Misty railed on and on at Shelley, called her every name in the book AND threw an entire glass of ice water on her as she was driving, Shelley took her home anyway."
"Yeah, yeah... that sounds just like Shelley... she's such a Do-Gooder! Who does she think she is?!" said Blubberina.
"Anyway" continued Blabberista, "It seems Shelley sent a message to Misty explaining that what she had done was unacceptable behavior and that Shelley wouldn't tolerate it. She told Misty to get some help. However, Misty is mad because Shelley blocked Misty on Facebook and now Misty feels that Shelley didn't allow her to apologize the next day. Misty thinks Shelley's a coward. That doesn't make any sense to me but that's what Jenny said. And if Jenny said it... it must be true! Besides, Misty is our friend... we have to take her side, even if she's sorta wrong."
"I don't like that Shelly girl anyway. I mean, I barely know her... well, I don't know her at all. But still, I just don't like her." said Blubberina. "You can't trust anyone who won't join in on greasing the gossip wheel. She's always smiling and saying nice things about everyone. But one night, I heard her put Tommy in his place. He was way over-stepping his bounds but she didn't put up with it. She tactfully told him she wouldn't tolerate his unwanted advances and filthy talk at the table. Tommy acted like a jerk and just continued anyway, but she didn't back down. I heard Shelley didn't even cuss or anything. She and her date finally left because they didn't seem to be enjoying themselves. She's dating Dexter. Looks pretty serious."
"The nerve of that Shelley girl. I know we should be better hosts and welcome her into the group since we like Dexter so much. He's a nice guy and he seems to really like her. But Misty is our friend and even if Misty was wrong, we have to side with Misty no matter what." said Blabberista.
"But what if we run Dexter off?" said Blubberina.
"Yeah... he's our friend too!" said Blabberista. "We really like him. Is it worth it to side with Misty, even though she's wrong, and run Dexter off just because we don't like Shelley, even though she's never done anything to us? And we barely know her... I mean we don't know her at all."
"So basically we are running Dexter off because we all decided we don't like Shelley." said Blubberina.
"Yes... that's basically it." said Blabberista.
"Wow... has anyone even talked to Shelley or Dexter?" asked Blubberina. "Has anyone asked them their side of the story?"
"Well, not that I know of." said Blabberista
"Ya know Jenny and Misty are best friends." said Blubberina. "You don't suppose there's more to this story and Jenny and Misty are covering for each other?! I mean they've done that before."
"Well, I could swear I heard Misty tell me that she apologized to Shelley about 6 months ago and they became friends and all was well until recently." said Blabberista
"I heard that too." said Blubberina. "I wonder what changed?"
"I heard that Mary is mad at Shelley now and so Misty decided to be mad at Shelley all over again." said Blabberista.
"What kind of hair-brained thinking is that?" said Blubberina. "Why would you just suddenly decide to be mad all over again, when you had no reason to be mad the first time? Didn't you say that Misty apologized to Shelley 6 months ago?"
"Yes I did." said Blabberista. "So that would indicate that Misty admitted that she was wrong 2 years ago and that's why she apologized."
"Okay but why is Mary mad at Shelley?" said Blubberina.
"Well, Mary's mad because she confronted Shelley about her falling out with Kathy." explained Blabberista.
"Who the heck is Kathy?" asked Blubberina.
"I have no idea... I mean I've seen her with Mary but I've never met her and I don't know anything about her." said Blabberista.
"So Mary barely knows Shelley?" asked Blubberina.
"Mary told me she only knows Shelley from Facebook and that she seemed okay until the "confrontation" several months ago." said Blabberista.
"Okay so Mary's mad because she stuck her nose into Shelley's business and Shelley didn't like it and told her so?" asked Blubberina
"As far as I know... that's right." said Blabberista. "I know... it' doesn't make any sense. Everyone has the right to defend themselves. Especially if Mary only had Kathy's side of the story. Mary did say that Cindy didn't like it either and she's known Shelley for a number of years."
"Oh, I see." said Blubberina. "So that makes it okay for Mary to intervene, ask no questions whatsoever, make accusations and then be mad about the response she received from Shelley. I still don't understand why Mary is telling everyone that Shelley is a bad person."
"Well, it doesn't matter because Mary and Misty are our friends and we have to make sure everyone knows about this Do-Gooder, Shelley!" exclaimed Blabberista. "Even if it runs Dexter off, even if we don't know that Kathy girl and even if it's a hateful thing to do... we have to spread the lie, I mean word! After all, we like Mary."
"Okay, so let me get this straight... we don't like Shelley because she's a nice girl, not too pushy, but not a push-over. We don't like her because she's dating Dexter and we especially don't like her because Mary says not to." said Blubberina.
"Yeah, and don't forget... she is an outsider. That's the most important part of all. We don't accept outsiders! Dexter was fair game and Shelley came along and took him! We especially don't like that!" said Blabberista
"Oh.. I almost forgot about something else I heard. Samantha said that Shelley is insecure about her relationship with Dexter. She said that Shelley attacked her because she was messaging Dexter privately." said Blubberina.
"Yes but before Samantha said that Shelley attacked her, she told me that Shelley politely asked her to respect their relationship and the fact that Shelley and Dexter are in a serious, live-in relationship. Samantha told me that she was embarrassed and actually apologized to Shelley." said Blabberista
"Oh, I see." said Blubberina. "Samantha changed her story when she found out that Mary was mad too. That doesn't seem fair. I guess she just wanted to get some attention too."
"Yep, you're probably right." said Blabberista. "Doesn't matter what the truth really is, we don't want any of those people mad at us and doing to us what they're doing to Shelley so we have to stick to the lie... I mean the story!"
"Agreed!" said Blubberina.
Moral Of The Story:
It is far better to perpetuate a complete lie, than it is to tell the truth and risk being the object of unwanted hate from your "friends". Afterall, isn't it all about self-preservation, CYA (cover your ass), and maintaining ranks within your group?
I like this one better:
"Tell the truth even if it means that you will stand alone for a time. At least people respect those who err on the side of truth. If you can't do that then don't say anything. The truth always emerges. Remain open-minded and realize the drama always seems to come from the same places. It's the best way to avoid embarrassing yourself."
3 Ways To Survive Life's Hurricanes!
3 Ways to Survive Life's Hurricanes
Ever have a major event happen in your life that was so difficult you didn't know how you would ever survive it? Check out Marilyn's publication...
Ever have a major event happen in your life that was so difficult you didn't know how you would ever survive it? Check out Marilyn's publication...
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