If you've never been there... it's difficult to wrap your mind around it. A common misconception is that Divorcees are now 'single and on the prowl. Lock up your spouse until they find someone new'. I know there are those who do feel insecure and will run out to 'hook up' with someone just to make themselves feel better. Most of the time, those folks aren't even aware that they are doing it out of insecurity. But don't assume that ALL Divorcees feel this way or that they are immediately 'on the prowl'. Getting the 'hook up' is usually the last thing on the minds of a great number of intelligent people who find themselves separated or divorced. Keep in mind that if they were your good and loyal friend last week before the separation occurred, nothing has changed this week. They need your love and support NOW more than ever before.
I remember the morning that my now ex-husband revealed to me that he no longer wanted to be married. Even though it wasn't all that surprising, it was still a shock. We were in the middle of our morning routine for school and work and I was forced into the position of keeping my emotions in check and being strong for my kids who had no idea what was happening for several days. On one hand I was furious at the circumstances but on the other we had invested 12 years into the relationship and had made it through other 'rough times'. I was somewhat confused as to how to handle it so I was pretty tight-lipped for months. The response from friends and family was shockingly mixed and I was VERY hurt by the initial things that were said. But still I remained silent about the details because I had two young teens to think about. Within a few months I was amazed to hear that I was having an "inappropriate relationship" with a man whose wife and daughter I was close with. The fall-out from that really took it's toll on me. This man (who has always been a perfect gentleman) and I were the last to know about our torrid 'relationship'. But that's how gossip works. Someone thinks they see something. They should be a friend and take their concern to their brother or sister, but instead they choose to talk about it with others and it grows like a wild fire out of control! The next thing you know, the story takes on a life of its own and all resemblance to the original story is gone.
Understand that divorce is extremely painful no matter how friendly and amicably it seems to end. It is a major upheaval in the lives of everyone involved. It is true that divorcees will say and do things that seem out of character for them. The reason for that should be obvious but I found that most on-lookers don't figure that out right away. Imagine for a moment that your entire life (your home, your family and friends) has just spontaneously combusted. Everything you know has come unraveled and there's nothing you can do to stop it. It does make you insecure and it does cause you to go a little 'crazy' temporarily. The estranged spouses go into 'survival' mode. A woman may be thinking, "Oh my gosh... where will I live, how will I support the kids... what if 'John' doesn't help me?" A man may be thinking... "Why doesn't 'Susie' love me any more... I'm 45... will women still find me attractive... how much is this going to cost me?"
Yes, things have changed overnight in your friend or loved one's life however, it's ridiculous to think that all Divorcees somehow 'morph' into someone else overnight. And if you've never been divorced, trust me, you have no idea what it's like. You can observe and read up on it, but you will never understand what happens on the inside of someone who's going through it. The assumptions and subsequent snubs from friends and the ensuing gossip slowly eats away at the Subject of the all this unwanted attention. In a real short amount of time the lines become very blurred. You begin to ask yourself, "Is this person genuinely concerned for me, or are they just being nosy?" I'm sad to report that in my case the majority were just being nosy. They couldn't wait to get the dirt so they could go back and report their version of what they were told to the others who will further destroy any semblance of what was actually said." It isn't long before you stop asking for help (which is desperately needed) for fear of further ridicule. One observation I made is that you start to see all the divorced women grouped together at church, etc. Why is that? You may be asking. It's because they understand one another and they are about the only ones you can trust to be there for you and genuinely care about what you're going through. As I was re-building my life, I moved several times and I can honestly say that the only people who helped me consistently were the other single moms.
Please, give your friends the benefit of the doubt. If you think they're doing something wrong then tell them how you feel. There's a good chance that your 'observation' is completely wrong and if you're onto something, the information can be of tremendous help to the divorcee. Remember this is real life and not High School. Divorce is serious business and the people involved need your love and support. Even if they HAVE done something wrong, you are not being their friend by discussing it in private with others. Eventually your gossip sessions become known and the hurt goes very deep and a lot of times the damage is irreversible.
So try to remember... DIVORCEES ARE NOT DA DEBIL!
